Steps

1. Do not block other parking space seekers while you wait for a space to open up near the store entrance. The drivers in the cars behind you may be finished with their errands, and are ready to head for work or home. If the person is already pulling out, that’s one thing. But if you’re sitting there while they walk to the car, waiting while they put their bags in the car, etc. you’ll be trying the patience of every other car behind you, especially if they can’t go around you.
2. Never let small children push the shopping cart for you. Not only is it dangerous in busy parking lots, but a loaded shopping cart in a hilly parking lot can end up crashing into and damaging someone’s vehicle. Children should also not be allowed to ride the cart back to the vehicle, with the exception of small toddlers or infants riding in the special seat built into many shopping carts, while a parent has both hands on the handle.
3. Center your vehicle in its parking space. Overhanging the stripes will tend to crowd the driver who parks in the adjacent space, and frequently leads to door dings in the paint of cars.
4. Pull your vehicle all the way into the space. This makes it easier for other drivers to see past your car when they are backing out of adjacent spaces, and also gives the widest possible driving lane between spaces. This can be particularly helpful when shoppers pushing loaded carts are sharing the driving lane with moving vehicles. The exception would be a very small compact or sub-compact vehicle. With small cars such as a Mini Cooper or Smart, parking so that the back end of your car is equal with the cars beside you lets drivers know that the space is occupied and does not give the false impression that the parking spot is vacant.
5. Never force your car into a space. In crowded, busy parking lots, special compact car spaces are becoming more common. Standard parking spaces are generally 9 feet wide while compact car spaces are only 7 feet wide. Obviously, a large SUV or Pickup will not fit easily in a compact car space, and quite simply put, they are not supposed to.
6. Remove trailer hitch receivers if they hang out of the parking place. These receivers, usually made of heavy steel and often with sharp corners, can be dangerous to inattentive pedestrians trying to walk as close to parked vehicles as possible to give drivers more room.
7. Watch for drivers backing out of blind spots. Small cars parked between larger vehicles like vans and SUVs often have to back blindly out of their spaces, so be alert and give them a break. If you are walking past a car in this situation, pause for a moment and guide the driver out of the tight spot if you are able.
8. Observe the legal aspects of driving in a parking lot. You are not likely to be pulled over by a State Police or Highway Patrolman, but there are laws regarding operating a motor vehicle in a public parking lot, just as there are on the highway. Here are some things to watch for.
   • Posted speed limits. Many large parking lots do have posted speed limits, these are for the safety of pedestrians and other drivers, please note and obey them.
   • One Way signs and markings. In parking lots with diagonal spaces, individual lanes may be one way, most often marked with a directional arrow painted on the pavement at the end of each lane. Even if the lane is not marked, you may be safe to assume the lane is one way if the diagonal spaces are oriented in the same direction on both sides.
   • Handicapped and elderly spaces. Handicapped parking spaces are generally clearly marked with signs and special striping, and are wider than regular spaces to accommodate wheel chairs. They are located near disabled ramps, usually very close to the business’s entrance. If you do not require the use of these spaces, and do not have a permit, park somewhere else.
   • Stop and Yield signs. These serve the same purpose in parking lots they serve on city streets, allowing the right-of-way to a vehicle driving in a certain lane or direction, and should be obeyed.
   • Pedestrian crosswalks. These are common near the main entrances and exits of most large businesses, for the safety of pedestrians returning to their cars. They are usually marked with diagonal white or yellow stripes, and often also are marked with a pedestrian crossing or stop sign.
   • Turn signals. Using turn signals gives other drivers an idea what your intentions are, use them in a timely manner to indicate what you are doing.
9. Keep the parking lot clean. Nobody likes to see trash blowing around the parking lot as they walk to and from the business, so stow the empty fast food wrappers, ash tray contents, drink bottles, and other potential debris until you have access to a waste receptacle. This should also apply to sales fliers and business literature, including that which is conveniently posted underneath windshield wiper blades while you are searching for your latest bargain.
10. Park shopping carts, dollies, and baskets in designated areas. Many large stores have cart corrals for shopping carts when the customer is finished unloading them. Putting the carts in these locations will make it less likely the cart you were using will end up denting someone else’s car.
11. Keep children under control walking through parking lots. This will help protect them from inattentive drivers, and make the parking lot safer for everyone.
12. Avoid curb hopping. This is very important where landscaped areas are within the curb boundaries, since jumping the curb may damage plants and irrigation components.
13. Slow down in the rain. Driving at highway, or even street speeds in a parking lot filled with puddles of rain water can inundate a passing pedestrian, or even another driver who is traveling with their window down.
14. Resist temptation to blow the horn (or give the finger) to other drivers. You may feel like they were discourteous, but showing grace, rather than anger, shows more class and prevents reciprocal aggression. See How to Get Rid of Anger and How to Respond to a Road Raged Driver.
15. Park only in designated spaces. Parking along the curb, with the exception of loading zones, or for loading a heavy item or helping a less mobile individual with their load is annoying and often dangerous.
16. Use your turn signal. Signaling to others when reaching a desired parking spot will reduce unnecessary confusion in the parking lot. It is often thought that when two cars reach a parking spot at the same time from opposite directions, the one that turns their turn signal on first, claims the spot.
17. When parking in a perpendicular space, pull through to the other side if possible. It is better for gas mileage and for the environment for your vehicle only to travel one direction through the parking place when coming and going. This also makes it easier to exit the parking space, as you will be “reverse parked”.
18. Don’t pull too far forward If you drive a small car (Honda Fit, Smart Car, Kia Rio, etc.) do not pull so far forward that your car can not be seen as a person drives down the lane, looking for a spot. Pull into the spot, out of the lane of traffic, but not so far that your car is unable to be seen from the lane. You may be saving yourself damage from someone who sees the “open” space and pulls in a BIT too quickly.

Tips

• Consider reverse parking. It is easier to see and to be seen whilst reversing into a space than when reversing out, and safer to drive out of a parking bay than to reverse. Always check for signs about reverse parking. Many parking lots do not allow reverse parking. It takes longer to reverse park than to reverse out of a spot, and a busy lot can quickly get congested.
• Keep loose trash in a waste basket or refuse bag in your vehicle. This will prevent it from being blown out if you open the door in a windy parking lot.
• Push an abandoned shopping cart back to the store or to a cart corral if you pass one as you walk to the business through the parking lot.
• When you are able to visit a business at off peak hours, do so. You will usually be rewarded with a much closer parking space.
• Etiquette in the parking lot is also for pedestrians. Do not walk in the middle of the lane, do not jay walk so that a car may not turn. If you’re going into the store and there is a shopping cart nearby, return it to the store or use it.
• Reserve disabled spots for disabled users. Cars without a handicap tag are not allowed to park in disabled spots. The appropriate placard must be used, and used properly. If the person the placard is issued to is either not in the car or not getting out of the car, the parking space cannot be used. This would take away a spot from those who truly need it. Federal law, in the form of the ADA act of 1990, as amended 2008, dictates parking requirements. All states take their laws from this standard. Violations of these parking standards can result in heavy fines. In Phoenix, AZ, for example, the fine for first offense is $250. Subsequent offenses can result in loss of license.
• Choose a parking space farther away from the building. Fewer people want to park in a more distant space, so there is much less hassle, and it is safer. Plus, you get a little bit of extra exercise by walking.
• Leave the rocks, plants, etc. in the curbed dividers for others to enjoy looking at, for the rain & snow to soak into, and to collect loose debris.

Warnings

• Parking lot rage can lead to violence, so showing a disregard to others can ruin your shopping trip.
• It isn’t just inattentive drivers that don’t see small children. It’s also inattentive parents that let their small children trail behind them. The best driver cannot see a small child shorter than the rear deck of the car.
• A disabled person’s disability may not be visibly obvious (bad back, bad heart, difficulty breathing, etc.) If they have the placard, they’ve gone through proving it to the doctor and the Department of Motor Vehicles. Don’t yell and question their disabled status, it’s very rude.
• Even if you decide to adopt these courteous practices, don’t expect others to do the same. Be careful of letting your expectations for others’ behavior contribute to your own potential “parking lot rage.”

Related wikiHows

• How to Avoid Annoying Other Drivers
• How to Practice Drive Thru Etiquette
• How to Respond to a Road Raged Driver
• How to Practice Airplane Etiquette
• How to Use a Parking Valet
• How to Drive a Car

Sources and Citations

• http://kapio.kcc.hawaii.edu/upload/fullnews.php?id=88

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Use Parking Lot Etiquette. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

Repost from link above

Australian fined for buckling in beer, not child
Associated Press

DARWIN, Australia – An Australian man has been fined after buckling in a case of beer with a seat belt but leaving a 5-year-old child to sit on the car’s floor, police said today.

Constable Wayne Burnett said he was “shocked and appalled” when he pulled over the unregistered car Friday in the central Australian town of Alice Springs.

The 30-can beer case was strapped in between two adults sitting in the back seat of the car. The child was also in back, but on the car’s floor.

“The child was sitting in the lump in the center, unrestrained,” Burnett told reporters Tuesday.

“I haven’t ever seen something like this before,” he said. “This is the first time that the beer has taken priority over a child.”

The driver was fined 750 Australian dollars (about $710 USD) for driving an unregistered and uninsured vehicle and for failing to ensure a child was wearing a safety belt.

Steps

1. Get educated. Educate yourself about global warming. The more facts you have as to what mainstream science says about it, the more you can persuade others to make simple but effective changes in daily behavior. Energy-saving techniques are either initially expensive (for example, solar power), or take extra time (for example, recycling), so many people need convincing that their efforts matter. [6] Always keep in mind that you are aiming to demonstrate the benefits of these activities and highlight how each person can play a vital role in helping to reduce global warming; equally remember that “[c]ivil society does not respond at all well to moralistic scolding.”[7] Use education to enlighten, not frighten.
2. Vote and influence your government with phone calls, e-mails, letters and meetings with those who represent you in government. Learn as much as possible about the policies you advocate before doing so; solving one problem often creates others. For example, new legislation banning incandescent light bulbs and advocating compact fluorescents has introduced a hazard of mercury contamination in landfills and in homes that use them. The push to grow corn for ethanol has contributed to higher prices for many food staples.
3. Choose vegetarian or vegan meals. Livestock are responsible for more greenhouse gas emissions than transportation is; choosing vegetarian foods also drastically reduces agricultural water consumption and land use, and favorably impacts biodiversity.[8] Vegetarian diets have been shown to promote good health[9] and in most developed countries, eliminating meat from one’s diet is as easy as making responsible choices at stores and restaurants. Other factors such as the means of production and distance food travels can also influence the total impact of our food choices.
4. Recycle more. 15-25% of people don’t recycle. Recycle more using recycling bins, composting, etc. Encourage neighbors, superintendents, colleagues and businesses to do likewise. Lobby for improved recycling incentives and tougher penalties for using non-renewable where viable alternatives exist. You can be active in this by writing letters, producing blogs and simply conversing with others. [10]
5. Use compact fluorescent bulbs. Replace three frequently used light bulbs with compact fluorescent bulbs/lamps and save 300 lbs. of carbon dioxide and US$60 per year. A standard compact fluorescent bulb will save around one third of a tonne of greenhouse gas, along with the cost of six or more incandescent globes.[11] And you don’t have to change the bulbs as often. Consider using more, and give them as gifts to family and friends. Consider donating a set to a local charity to refit their office with compact fluorescent lights.[12] Remember, CFL bulbs do contain small amounts of toxic mercury. Therefore, proper disposal (recycling) is necessary to prevent any additional landfill contamination.
6. Fill the dishwasher. Run your dishwasher only with a full load. Save 100 lbs. of carbon dioxide and US$40 per year, or do them by hand with minimal water. [13]
7. Use recycled paper. Make sure your printer paper is 100% post consumer recycled paper. Save 5 lbs. of carbon dioxide per ream of paper. Decide if something is really worth printing out. Leave a signature at the bottom of your e-mails reminding the reader to think twice before printing the e-mail. And make the most of scrap paper for shopping lists, notes, scrapbooks, school and college note-taking etc. Only recycle your paper when it has been thoroughly used up! (And don’t forget the potential for making origami and other paper crafts.)
8. Buy locally made and locally grown products. Buy locally to reduce the energy required to transport your goods.[14] The consumable products we all purchase represent over half of the average family’s carbon footprint! If you successfully encourage neighbors to do this, store owners will be forced to stock local goods. Shop at farmers’ markets – be sure to cycle, walk or share a lift to them, and take carry bags with you.
9. Count your carbon. Keep track of how little carbon you’re using and how much you’re offsetting, and set an example by advertising or talking about your achievement with pride and satisfaction.
   • There is a logo called Carbon Counted that companies can put on their products to communicate their carbon footprint.[15] Buying products that have a low Carbon Counted footprint number gives consumers a means by which to influence and reward companies that reduce emissions in the creation of their products. In addition, it encourages non-participating companies to participate when consumers increase demand for such products.
   • Use a carbon calculator. These counters enable you to calculate your personal impact by adding up the carbon emissions from your activities. There are counters available for many countries; use your local search engine for results. An international calculator is provided by the World Resources Institute.[16]
   • Support producers of renewable energy. Help spur the renewable energy market by participating in it. You can do so by buying wind certificates, green tags and stock in renewable energy companies. Many of these companies are new and small and the stock is low in price. While they are high-risk, they may present an opportunity to help the company move beyond the initial stages of uncertainty and to enhance the viability of important, upcoming market niches.[17] These companies may offer opportunities for great returns if they prove profitable; just be sure to do your homework first, as you would when investing in anything.
10. Buy minimally packaged goods. Less packaging could reduce your garbage by about 10%. Save 1,200 pounds of carbon dioxide and $1,000 per year. If you consider a certain products’ packaging to be excessive, mail it to the company with your challenge to the company to reduce its packaging; include suggestions on how if you have ideas. And while you’re at it, feel free to let companies know that if Wal-Mart thinks reduced packaging is not only a good idea but very achievable, then this is likely to set the standard for many businesses in the future.[18]
11. Insulate.
    • Keeping your water heater insulated could save 1,000 lbs. of carbon dioxide and US$40 per year. Don’t use units fitted with continuous pilot lights and you will save AUD$40 and 200 kilograms of greenhouse gas emissions yearly.[19] Also, use less hot water. For example, if the shower is too cold, don’t turn up the hot water but turn down the cold water.
    • Be energy wise and insulate your entire home to keep down the heating and cooling costs. If your insulation is old or inefficient, do yourself a favor and fix it; not only will it reduce your output of emissions but it’ll reduce your energy bills considerably. Consider the attic, crawlspaces, basement, walls and ceiling. If you have awkward spaces, don’t forget that cellulose or fiberglass insulation can be blown in by a professional contractor.[20]
12. Replace old appliances and reduce reliance on them.
    • Inefficient appliances such as fridges, washing machines etc., waste energy. Save hundreds of pounds of carbon dioxide and hundreds of dollars per year by replacing them (and having your old appliance recycled or disposed of properly). Many countries have “energy star” ratings on new appliances that allow you to assess the energy usage of the appliance. You may even be able to check online before you go shopping, to save time.
    • While you’re at it, reassess appliances that you really do not need to use, such as plug-in air fresheners. Try opening the windows instead (and throwing out that rotting fruit bowl) and replace with natural air freshener alternatives. Other items include the many so-called time-saving devices in your kitchen. By the time you finish assembling, disassembling and cleaning some kitchen appliances, the old-fashioned method may prove appealing. Compare and use commonsense – if you need an appliance a lot because you’re a hobby chef or it really does do the job well, keep it but don’t if it just vexes you and you don’t mind the non-powered alternative. Also consider if one appliance can do the job of several and prefer that model over purchasing several – you’ll be grateful for the extra space.
13. Weather strip your home. Caulk and weather strip your doorways, windows and air conditioners. Save 1,700 lbs. of carbon dioxide and US$274 per year. You will discover that the costs of caulking are far outweighed by savings in fuel costs and increased comfort level.[21]
14. Use a push mower and reduce the lawn. Use your muscles instead of fossil fuels and get some strength-building exercise. Save 80 lbs of carbon dioxide per year. Consider planting rock/cactus garden, ivy, wildflowers, native grasses etc., instead of a water-wasting, pesticide and fertilizer using bland lawn. Fertilizers and pesticides require the use of chemicals and oil in their production. Reducing usage of these products reduces our reliance on oil, reduces global warming emissions and reduces human exposure to potentially harmful chemicals.
15. Unplug unused electronics. Even when electronic devices are turned off, they use energy. Save over 1,000 lbs of carbon dioxide and US$256 per year by unplugging them.
16. Grow fast growing plants. Plants like bamboo grow faster and produce 35% more oxygen than trees like oak or birch, and require less chemicals and care. Make sure that the plants are appropriate for your area; prefer native over introduced species and do not plant problem species. Bamboo, for example, can be very invasive in most of the US.
17. Take public transportation. Taking the bus, the train, the subway or other forms of public transportation lessens the load on the roads and reduces one’s individual greenhouse gas emissions (an average of 1600 pounds of GHG emissions per year can be saved).[22] As an added bonus, some new buses are even hybrid already, depending on where you live in the world. Taking public transport removes the stress of long road commutes and gives you a great opportunity to read, think and relax. On some train services, you can even use a computer. You also save on parking money and time wasted looking for parks.
18. Ride a bicycle. Taking the bike instead of the car is a very simple solution. However, if you experience such problems as lack of suitable bike paths, having to deal with congested traffic or hilly terrain, you are faced with a few challenges. They are, however, challenges that you as an individual can overcome with a little determination.
    • Ask your municipality, city or local government to start making bike trails in your area and to make sure that bicyclists are kept safe from traffic in the same way that pedestrians are afforded this right. Get the local community behind you – a few neighbors, the street or the whole suburb!
    • And if you have hilly terrain, there are solutions also – building up your strength gradually is one way and adding a small motor that runs on veggie oil may be another solution. With this latter solution, however, you’ll need to be creative – it has been done and we challenge you to be the first to put an article on wikiHow on how to do it!
19. Use your vehicle as a tool against global warming. If you can’t live without a car, then use it in a way that minimizes global impact.
    • Buy a hybrid car. The average driver could save 16,000 lbs. of CO2 and $3,750 per year driving a hybrid. Plug-in hybrids can save even more and give cash-back (see V2G). Encourage your company to create incentive plans for this as their workers might be more likely to be on time.
    • Buy a fuel efficient car. Save up to 20,000 lbs. of carbon dioxide per year using a more fuel efficient car – that’s a savings of AUD$10,000 over a car’s lifetime.[23] Buying fuel efficient cars also encourage companies to continue making and improving them owing to increased demand.
    • Practice green driving. Save gas and lower stress levels by being a considerate driver. Improve fuel efficiency by removing unused external objects such as roof racks, turning off your engine instead of idling for long periods of time (over 1 minute), and removing loads from the trunk/boot that are not necessary.[24]
    • Keep the tires on your car adequately inflated – under inflated tires can reduce fuel economy by up to 3% and increase wear and tear on your tires.[25]Keep your car tires inflated. Check them monthly. Save 250 lbs. of carbon dioxide and US$840 per year. A good gift is a tire air-pressure gauge as it not only saves money but makes driving safer. [26]
    • Change your air filter. Check your car’s air filter monthly. Save 800 pounds of carbon dioxide and US$130 per year. [27] Cleaning your air filter improves your mileage and reduces pollution because it makes it easier for your car to take in air and maintain a proper fuel/air mixture.
20. Use Refills. Try using refills instead of buying new jars each time. This reduces your consumption and refills are usually cheaper too.
21. Use milder detergents. Production of chemicals used in detergents adds to global warming. Use detergents with lower chemical concentrations.

Tips

• Even if humans are not fundamentally creating global warming,[28] these steps reduce smog, acid rain, oil spills, soot, foreign dependence, smaller landfills, less wasted resources and cleaner and more available water. Reduced pollution is good for the health of all living beings and for our heritage buildings that are easily damaged by acidic rain and soot.
• Companies can take immediate action to help with this effort by virtualizing their workforces to reduce, or even eliminate their employees’ commute and help reduce automobile pollution.
• Try to use more tap water and to cease usage of bottled water.[29] It also helps to reduce all the haulage costs (energy and financial wise) involved in carting water around in this way.
• Take responsibility for your office’s energy use. Many offices leave air conditioners, computers and lights running all night. Find out how to program the air conditioner so that it turns off once the majority of people have left the office. Talk with your IT administrator about implementing power savings on computers. Talk with the boss about choosing more efficient lighting. Make sure everyone has easy access to a recycle bin.
• The ultimate in recycling is to not use a product at all, if possible. If you do not need it, it may be that you are wasting resources. Always be conscious of using or buying items as a substitute for things you feel you are missing in life – shopping cannot salve a broken heart for long but it can break the bank and clutter your home! Rent movies, and video games instead of buying them, or buy them used, or at a garage sale. Check out books in the library or buy them used, or at a garage sale
• Planting trees balances carbon emissions and pollution. There are organizations that will help you offset your carbon footprint.
• Keep in mind that not every scientist believes in Global warming and many are not even sure that Man is responsible. Many believe that Global warming is a natural occurrence with our earth, but it’s still a good idea to keep your energy use to a minimum.

Related wikiHows

• How to Find Reliable Information on Climate Change
• How to Challenge People About Global Warming Theories
• How to Help Save the Environment
• How to Create Urban Rainforests

Sources and Citations

• Carbon calculators:
  • Australia & NZ: Climate Change Calculator – Department of Climate Change
  • Canada: Calculators – Environment Canada
  • USA: Calculator – US EPA
  • UK: Climate Care

1. ? Professor Ian Lowe, (2005), A Big Fix: Radical Solutions for Australia’s Environmental Crisis ISBN 1-86395-126-1
2. ? The Guardian, Houghton J, Global warming is now a weapon of mass destruction Sir John Houghton, a co-chair of the IPCC Working Group and climate specialist, discusses such catastrophes as heat waves, floods, droughts and storm surges already impacting us heavily.
3. ? StopGlobalWarming.org
4. ? IPCC, Fourth Progress Report, Conclusions of Working Group 2, 2007
5. ? Global warming entry on Wikipedia
6. ? Taking action to prevent Global Warming
7. ? Robertson,R, A Brighter Shade of Green: Rebooting Environmentalism for the 21st Century, in the magazine What is Enlightenment, October – December 2007
8. ? Livestock impacts on the environment
9. ? American Dietetic Association: Vegetarian Diets
10. ? earth911.org
11. ? Department of Climate Change (Australia), Global Warming – Cool It
12. ? About.com on Environment
13. ? Good Humans Guidelines
14. ? Seattle Times, Watson, T, Buy local, and community may reap benefits
15. ? Carbon Counted
16. ? WRI, Safe Climate Calculator
17. ? Even Google is investing in renewable energy to generate electricity: Google Investing in Renewable Energy
18. ? Wal-Mart, Global Change: Wal-Mart Pledges Packaging Reduction
19. ? Department of Climate Change (Australia), Global Warming: Cool It
20. ? Dauncey, G and Mazza, P, (2001) Stormy Weather: 101 Solutions to Global Climate Change, ISBN 978-0-86571-421-2
21. ? Natural Resources Canada, Tips on Saving Energy in Your Home
22. ? US EPA, On the Road: Climate Change – What You Can Do
23. ? Department of Climate Change (Australia), Global Warming – Cool It
24. ? US EPA, On the Road: Climate Change – What You Can Do
25. ? US EPA, On the Road: Climate Change – What You Can Do
26. ? Fox News
27. ? Taking Action to Stop Global Warming
28. ? IPCC W-GI, “There is new and stronger evidence that most of the warming observed over the last 50 years is attributable to human activities.”
29. ? CBC story on David Suzuki, Buying bottled water is wrong, says Suzuki.

Article provided by wikiHow, a collaborative writing project to build the world’s largest, highest quality how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Take Action to Reduce Global Warming. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.

Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being “behind the power curve.” It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.

Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle, at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.

I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!

Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness, all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway. I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that “edge” so frequently required when riding. Little did I suspect.

As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-it was that close.

I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, “Banzai!” or maybe, “Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!” as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.

I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an evil attack squirrel of death!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in…well, I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody’s tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle. My brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel, however. The rpm’s on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.

Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel’s tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally, I got the upper hand. I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked…sort of. Spectacularly sort of, so to speak.

Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren’t mine…

I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.

I would have returned to ‘fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.

So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to “let the professionals handle it” anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger.

That is one dangerous squirrel.

And now he has a patrol car.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood. As for my easy and slow drive home?

Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death…I’ll take my chances with the freeway. Every time.

And I’ll buy myself a new pair of gloves.

-Author unknown-